Goodbyes. Yes.

I have been doing them since I can remember.
Goodbyes and byes.

When I was a young girl
I felt these things of tears, and feelings
were dumb, and solvable with
a sharpened mind.

I wanted to be tough saying goodbyes
without a single drop. or of a need to look back. I despised

drama, tears, hugs and feelings.

But goodbyes. I have been doing them.
With competence as if I am in a ‘goodbye’ competition
in which I won the first place.

I should have been the master of
goodbyes now but
I have been doing them with will or
without will
With or without dignity.

One time, someone said goodbye or did not
I can’t remember. I left with my chin high.
Did not look back and I said.
Goodbye and slammed the door shut.
never looked back. Did not hurt or it felt good.
In fact, better.
To do the goodbye.

Another time. Goodbye stuck in my throat
Like a ball that has edges or needles sticking out
Stabbed and broke something inside.
GGoooo Godd… could not say that time
sat down on the floor, threw my luggage over the floor.
could not say the damn word, I cursed my way into the airport,
trains, and borders
, looking back
and back again and again until my neck fell off.

Goodbyes. and Waves.
I did them. And will do more.
someone else must be doing the same
saying ‘goodbyes’ and byes. somewhere else.
I am sure. they are.

But You. over there. never had the reason
To say goodbye, yes you!
I always thought you
are the lucky ones
To have never tasted the bitterness of the goodbyes
over the borders.
Then I thought
goodbyes must have given something
in exchange. Hellos
It must give hellos. A hello that sticks
or stays.
Now when I say goodbye
I do not stand there clenching my teeth
trying with all there is
of willpower
to swallow my inside out

I simply allow
Whatever the fuck
it wants to do to me.
That way, I know I am getting

stronger

on the last goodbye

I will say to this world.

Coding my way to life

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