I hope you hear me. Those words are the ones that I have never told you and it comes from the bottom of my heart, your daughter.
We have been far from each other for the past four years in two different sides of the world. And before then we were far from each other even when we were beside each other, thinking and feeling two different sides.
You asked me if I needed money the last time we talked.
I know that is one of the ways you show your love. People made you believe that is how you show your love, but every time when you ask me: if I need money, I feel as if I failed you. And it builds a gap between us.
Now I know how it feels when the person you love does not understand you love them. Simply, because how you show your love is different. My way of showing you was different:
By proving myself. I try not to pretend to be someone else but to prove myself I had to leave your side to get out in the world. To prove to you that I can do it.
Those people who told you that money matters, I see them living a life pretending to be someone. I know you had to care for it to support us. But daddy, I understood money is the least thing that is important in life, like you taught me.
There are my dreams, your smile, and fulfillment. And from all the people I know you know the most that money does not matter. You raised me saying money does not matter.
But I also knew you did not want me to go through harsh challenges in life because of money.
I probably have not seen a lot than you saw but for my own size as you say it, I have seen a lot, daddy. The world is so ugly sometimes but those ugly things like despair, and disappointments bring something meaningful and builds something beautiful in me.
So daddy the war is mine. I have to go through such things. Anything ugly and difficult, anything that makes me stay up late at night, anything that is challenging, I have to go through them. Even though you want to protect me, trust me to fight.
Ihave witnessed different ways of how people live and perceive life. Their choices and decisions in life. Living, studying, and working in different countries I tasted the bitter and received the sweetness.
I miss waking up on a Sunday morning while you bring out the groceries really loud even though you are trying really hard not to.
I miss your worries that I used to get annoyed about. I miss you bragging about the things that you did because you want me to be proud of you. I miss just watching you. I just miss sitting beside you.
I did not appreciate them.
Now can I sit down with you and talk? I will tell you all the things that happened without any filters.
Iwish I did not beg for feelings from people instead would spill myself in front of you. I know if I spill myself in front of you, you would try to collect them for me.
Even if I cried you would wipe my tears and tell me to cry even more. I know even if I lost in life, you will hug me as if I am a winner.
Daddy, I hope you hear me. Because those words are the ones that I have never told you and it comes from the bottom of my heart. You asked me if I was taking care of myself. Sometimes, I feel like I do not know how to
Love myself in a world that teaches you to not love yourself.
Sometimes I think
loving you is loving myself. Or loving myself is loving you.
But I am getting there. And because of all the things you taught me, I am your warrior. Trust me to Fight without any hesitations.
I know you worry that I might turn to a stone and that my heart might shrink losing all the hopes in people and the world, even in myself if I keep taking all the things the world throws at me. But you are missing one thing. I have you daddy.
I know even if I lose, you will look at me like I am a winner. So there is no point in losing all the hopes and losing myself. You are a sun that shines and when I turn to an ice, you will melt me right away. So, trust me to keep fighting. I will get there.